Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting by Dave Furman (Review)
After I read, Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey, I asked my friend, Craig Nienaber, about the book. He read it some time ago and suggested a companion book: Being There by Dave Furman. Craig noted that Being There offers insight on what to say and do for someone who is hurting and—just as important—what to never say or do. This book does exactly that.
Furman is a pastor at the Redeemer Church of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. He also suffers from a nerve disorder that renders both of his arms nearly disabled. In Furman’s own words, “I can’t do ‘normal’ things like shake hands, eat with a normal fork, put on my seat belt (much less open the car door or drive).” It is debilitating in a way that is hard to imagine, and it has led to not only pain and frustration but depression, too. This reality means that Furman has received the full gamut of treatment from others as someone who is hurting both physically and emotionally. In this short book, Furman offers a great deal of insight that is worth reading for anyone who wants to improve at comforting others and loving those who are hurting. Potential readers should note that this book is written from a Christian perspective. There are undoubtedly points of value for a broad audience, but many of the conclusions begin foundationally from someone who follows Jesus and His teachings.
Beyond this general recommendation, here are some points that Furman emphasized and points that I found interesting:
The first step for a caretaker of someone who is hurting is to grieve your own loss. You give something up to care for someone else. Think about how King David poured out his anguish over his pain and loss; remember this man had a heart after God. David took 30 days of solely grieving after his son died. Contrast that with how quickly modern society expects people to move on after suffering. Mourning of any sort takes time and contemplation to move forward well.
Psalm 88—an immensely dark Psalm of depression—offers these lessons:
It is possible for Christians to experience depression without relief in this earthly life. The withholding of relief is not a sign of God’s displeasure, so do not treat someone who is suffering as the suffering is that person’s fault. This reaction happens too often in the church.
Pain is not the final word in our lives. Pain reminds us that we wait for redemption and restoration in the end days.
The author of Psalm 88 does not give up. Note that God did not censor this prayer. In weakness, we can find hope in God.
Furman once met with an organization that sends ministry leaders overseas. He asked their president what the organization’s hope is for their people. He answered Furman that they wanted increased love for the Lord when their time with the ministry ended. They wanted a hearty “yes!” as the answer to “do you love God more than when you started?” This theme applies to caring for people. We must first love God in order to produce spiritual fruit and to avoid bitterness while caring for others.
The only way people change is to push out the old with something new. By filling our time and minds with God’s Word, we replace the old with His transformative message.
Furman requires his new staff members to read the short book, Words to Winners of Souls by Horatius Bonar. The main quote goes like this: “We have allowed business, study, or active labor to interfere with our closet hours. Why so many meetings with our fellow men yet so few meetings with God? Why so little being alone—so little thirsting of the soul for the sweet calm sweet hours of unbroken solitude?” The absence of it makes us unprofitable members of the Church of Christ. We can only grow in grace by time alone with God, which is necessary to love and serve others. It is through nearness to God that we fill our cups. Furman concludes, “you must be much with Christ before you are anything for anyone else.”
Furman did a great job reminding that listening as a friend for someone who is hurting means more than just waiting for the moment to speak and slap down your favorite Bible verse in front of someone. Just listening without trying to explain terribleness is the best place we can start to be a good friend. Similarly, the one who is hurting does not want to feel like a project. Open up about your own life and struggles—share pain together.
As a caregiver or even casual friend, we can only love well if we remember God’s mercy for us. We must love and forgive as God forgives us through His own son’s sacrifice.
Furman points out that Christians are to share the joy of the Gospel to more than non-Christians. Other Christians similarly need the reminder. It is the joy that is central to Christian living, and it is an encouragement to all who know how Christ suffered on the cross to bring salvation to all who ask.
Distinctly Christian service requires inconveniencing yourself for others. If you’re only giving someone a ride if it fits your schedule or only serving when it is a task you enjoy like making someone a meal, then it is not serving in the way of Jesus washing His disciples’ feet. We must do more than just what is easy for ourselves. The suffering person’s burdens should come upon us as we love our neighbors. “What a cheerful thing it is to be given gifts from God to give to others.”
It can be easy to forget that Jesus promises to be the interceder on our behalf. Furman references a pastor who observed that if we heard Jesus praying for us in the next room, we would fear nothing. Yet distance makes no difference; Christ’s promise to hear us and pray on our behalf is to be a strength and encouragement to us.
When Paul discusses helping people with spiritual matters, he offers this comment: “you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Note that there is no caste system of Christians. This command is for all Christians who walk by the Spirit to gently point others to Christ.
Furman developed a what-not-to-do list for helping those suffering distress and depression. He identified ten points that may superficially appear helpful but are actually harmful.
Don’t be the Fix-it Person – Focus more on listening than helping.
Don’t Play the Comparison Game – It is unlikely that we truly understand the other person’s pain. And it’s not helpful to compare that person’s situation to someone who appears to have it worse. We should never minimize pain. “I’m sorry, and I love you” is always surer ground for us to stand.
Don’t Make It Their Identity – Don’t spend so much time on the source of pain that it swallows up how you view the person. Help people to turn their identity from their problem to Jesus.
Don’t Promise Deliverance Now – God is not a genie, so don’t portray Him as such. Jesus did not come for earthly satisfaction but eternal glory. We are to look for future hope, not temporal wants.
Don’t Encourage Them to Just “Move On” – Don’t ever disregard earthly pain by communicating that it is time to finish grieving. Encourage people to be honest with what they are thinking and feeling.
Don’t Bring on the Inquisition – While it is helpful to ask questions that give an opportunity to listen, be cautious about asking for details that might be hurtful. It’s always better to go with, “I don’t know what to say, but how are you feeling?”
Don’t Be Hyper-spiritual – Christians have too often opted for spiritual-sounding platitudes that are insensitive. We don’t have insight into God’s plan, so don’t pretend that we do.
Don’t Play the Avoidance Game – Never miss an opportunity to acknowledge someone’s pain. Avoiding it will likely hurt them far more than discussing it and offering care.
Don’t Pledge General Help – People are unlikely to accept general help. Making the general offer to help places the burden on the person who is hurting. They may not be able to think clearly enough to ask and are likely not wanting to burden others. Look at their needs and make a specific offer to meet that need.
Don’t Condemn Them – There are many reasons in the Bible for suffering. As noted above, we do not have insight into the larger plan. Be available to listen as the person grieves.
The list above is a reminder that it is critical to meet people where they are. Service is the call for anyone who follows Jesus, and it seems reasonable that people should give forethought on how to serve well. I think often to the studies that show people broadly over-assume their own capacity to self-determine other people’s feelings and motivations. Despite broad confidence in capacity to gauge what other people are thinking or feeling, individuals are not generally accurate in these assumptions. Furman’s book is a good reminder that to know someone and serve someone means being a part of that person’s life in a meaningful way. I recommend reading Being There for anyone who wants to pursue the goal of loving those who are hurting and doing so well.
