The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy & Kathy Keller (Review)
I listened to The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller on audiobook. There was one stretch when my daughter was in the car with me, and she said, “why are you listening to this book?” I told her one of the poor messages that too often comes across in movies and television is that love should come easy and—just as damaging—work on marriage only happens when something is wrong. This mindset strikes me as cavalier, and it’s the answer to Grace’s question on why I read the Keller’s book: you cannot treat your marriage with too much care.
With this idea in mind, I recommend The Meaning of Marriage for anyone in a relationship, whether it’s one that is smooth and well-functioning or if it’s one that is feeling more tumultuous. Keller wrote a passage that speaks volumes about a common perception in marriage. “Some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love, and consolation.” Even writing this statement, I cannot help but think about my own flaws and Tara’s willingness to love me despite their abundance. The “stability, love, and consolation” has grown over the course of nearly twenty years of marriage because of the refining process—becoming more than we otherwise would have been.
But that does not mean such change is easy. Keller noted that a significant percentage of surveyed men list “being with someone who doesn’t want me to change” as a most-valued trait. This idea, however, disregards any effort at self-mastery or improvement. When I think back on my younger self, it is jarring to consider my foolishness and misperceptions. If I had hit the pause button of emotional development in my teens or twenties (or even my thirties), it would be a sad indictment on my maturation. Similarly, if we expect an unchanging nature in marriage, it is similarly an unreasonable and immature expectation. Growth in self and growth in marriage should be the goal, and this happens through mutual fulfillment and mutual sacrifice.
Fortunately, the Kellers provide some helpful tools to think smartly about marriage and approach it with intentionality. I was so pleased with the content that I bought a physical copy for Tara and me to read with our daughters, and I’m looking forward to hearing their thoughts. I may add more to this writing based on their comments, but the following includes some of my takeaways from The Meaning of Marriage:
Ernest Becker made an interesting observation on marriage in The Denial of Death. He argues that people now seek in marriage what was once sought in God and religion. People seek the idea of justification and redemption in romantic love and relationships rather than a higher power. This approach places too high of expectations in any one person.
Keller gave an excellent example of service in marriage by way of an early failure. During a family trip, he wanted to go to a bookstore he knew and loved, but he knew it would be a burden to his wife. He chose not to mention it but hoped she would perceive that he wanted to go. He became grumpy and resentful before passively mentioning how much he wished they could have stopped. Kathy was in turn irritated with him because—while it would have been a burden to watch the kids while he visited—he had eliminated the chance for her to serve within the marriage. This example illustrates the importance of sharing needs, wants, and desires but also the importance of mutually serving each other within the marriage.
Relatedly, if your spouse is the only or even the main source of love in your life, you will find inadequacy in your own capacity to love, because anytime your spouse lets you down, there are no love reserves to draw upon. It’s a key reason why there is so much focus on having a God-centered marriage.In “Controlling the Unpredictable—the Power of Promising,” Lewis Smedes wrote his observation on promises. The ethicist emphasized the role promises play in shaping who we are. First, he notes that people look in all sorts of places for meaning. “Some people ask who they are and expect their feelings to tell them. But feelings are flickering flames that fade after every fitful stimulus. Some people ask who they are and expect their achievements to tell them. But the things we accomplish always leave a core of character unrevealed. Some people ask who they are and expect visions of their ideal self to tell them. But our visions can only tell us what we want to be, not what we are.” Instead of these paths, Smedes argues that we are who we become through making and keeping promises. Inside or outside of marriage, our promises give us identity. Smedes quoted “A Man for All Seasons” when Thomas More considered whether to defy King Henry VIII: “When a man takes an oath…he's holding his own self in his own hands. Like water (cupped in his hands) and if he opens his fingers then, he needn't hope to find himself again.” Our word and its trustworthiness shapes who we are.
Keller did an excellent job of exploring the virtue of acting out love rather than emphasizing the feeling of love. While the feeling cannot be created by force of will, it can be nurtured. Even when the feeling of love is lacking, everyone can choose to act with kindness and affection. Keller referenced C.S. Lewis’s commentary on loving one’s neighbors (even those in the WWII’s Axis Alliance who were diametrically opposed to England).
Lewis stated that you should “not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less...Whenever we do good to another self, just because it is a self, made (like us) by God, and desiring its own happiness as we desire ours, we shall have learned to love it a little more, or, at least, to dislike it less.” Actions of love are the piece we can control, and the feelings will follow.Keller emphasizes that marriage is primarily for friendship. He looked at Adam—despite being in paradise, a land declared “good” by God—and stated that it was “not good” for Adam to be alone. The word that Adam uses when he sees Eve is a compilation of helper, companion, and friend. The friend language is repeated in Song of Solomon—a lover and a friend.
When Keller described the purpose of marriage as being sanctification, a member of his church commented that she “thought the purpose of marriage was happiness.” Her idea was far away from the amount of work that Keller prescribed. Instead, both are true. Marriage is significant work, yet the end result is sanctification and subsequent joy. It is immature and simplistic to think that two broken people should simply just fit together in marriage.
Our individual flaws may inconvenience others in our life. But our flaws are far more than inconveniences for our spouse. This tension is where the sanctifying effect of marriage is critical: changing because of the power of truth that comes from living life closely with one’s spouse. When both people in a relationship are focused on mutual fulfillment and mutual sacrifice, it can be a place of great growth within a marriage.
The themes I’ve focused provide some important ideas to consider and discuss as it relates to marriage. As I suggested above, Tim and Kathy Keller have written a book for couples (and singles) wherever they are in a relationship. The book is accessible and moves at a brisk rate, but there is plenty to think about along the way. I fully recommend adding The Meaning of Marriage to your reading list.
